Dildo Manufacturers Association: Nation Must Return To Normalcy, Purchase Dildos
With sales flagging since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, the Dildo Manufacturers Association made an appeal to Americans' sense of patriotism Monday, urging citizens to help the U.S. economy and the nation's dildo industry by purchasing the sex toys. "Like so many industries, we have been hit hard by recent events," DMA spokesman Richard Grantham said. "But the best way we can show Osama bin Laden our resolve is for all of us to get back out there and buy dildos like we did before all of this happened." Grantham said that on Oct. 20, a 14-inch, red-white-and-blue "Star Spangled Rammer" dildo will go on sale at sex shops across the nation, with proceeds benefiting relief efforts.
Move To Houseboat Regretted By Third Day
Semi-retired attorney George Schulman, 62, is already expressing remorse over his move into a Suncruiser 360 houseboat last Saturday. "I thought it would be more like MacGyver or, you know, Simon & Simon. But it's just sort of boring," Schulman told reporters Monday. "The whole marina reeks of old fish, and I'm gonna kill somebody if I hear another goddamn Jimmy Buffett song blaring from that oyster bar over by the dock." Schulman went on to express regret about spending more than $400 on Hawaiian-print shirts.
Screaming Japanese Schoolgirls Overturn Greenspan's Bus
TOKYO- Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan described himself as "shaken but all right" Monday following an incident in which several thousand excited young Japanese fans mobbed and tipped over his tour bus after a speech at the Tokyo Dome. "Mr. Greenspan is at the height of his popularity in Japan right now," said Martine Engers, a publicist for the chairman, who is currently in the midst of a 41-city world tour. "And I guess we simply weren't prepared for this level of fan hysteria." Before military police restored order, thousands of frantically speculating youths drove the Nikkei average past 16,000.
Diary Lied To
GRAND JUNCTION, CO-Marnie Powell, a seventh-grader at Grand Junction Middle School, lied to her diary Monday, filling the journal with several out-and-out fabrications. "I had the best time at Jessica's party," wrote the 13-year-old honors student, recording the falsehood in purple ink. "There were tons of cool guys, and I had so much fun dancing." In actuality, the socially awkward, bespectacled Powell tentatively bobbed up and down on the perimeter of the dance floor for 30 seconds before retreating to the refreshment table for the remaining three hours of the event.
Area Grasshopper Kind Of A Thorax Man Himself
LARGE FIELD EAST OF WATER-Watching a shapely female grasshopper pass by, area grasshopper 44-3541-M told a fellow male Monday that he is "a definite thorax man." "Don't get me wrong, I love a good abdomen," 44-3541-M said. "But a nice, shiny mesothorax? Right where the wings connect? Oh, man, you can't beat that." 44-3541-M added that he'd let 97-94732-F, an attractive female praying mantis from a nearby elm tree, devour his head anytime.